My Other Half

I was thinking about doing a post today about things I missed from when I was overweight, inspired by a similar series atcanyoustayfordinner? When I went back to look over this, though (it was one of the first things I read when I started maintenance and realized I had a whole new struggle ahead of me), I noticed something I hadn’t before: a reader had asked her how she could look back so positively on her fat past.

Most people, I’m guessing, would not be surpised by this question. A lot of people that I see on forums and blogs talk about their past (or, if they are still losing, their future) as though there is a terrible, negative “fat” version of them and a wonderful skinny version. Once skinny, one should just forget about the whole fat part of life, only mention it with the greatest shame, and try to move on.

I am not one of those people. I loved myself when I was heavy, and I love myself now. I am not a completely different person than I was then. “She” is not someone I used to know but it would be embarrassing if people knew that so I hide it. Yes, some aspects of me have changed, but I am the same person. I simply weigh half of what I used to, which is what my blog title refers to. When I say that there were two of me, I don’t mean that there is a past “bad” fat me and new “good” skinny me. I simply mean that I wish that I had that extra half of my body around to like clean my bathroom when I’m lazy or something.

My main point here: there are a lot of things I miss from 110 pounds ago, and this stems from the fact that I was at peace with what I was like then, and I am at peace with what I am like now.

I am not a better person just because I lost 110 pounds. If anything, it is the other way around. I didn’t make positive changes to my character because I became thin; I became thin due to positive changes that I made. And keep in mind that I only feel like I made 2 positive changes: I added physical activity to my life and began eating proper portions of nutritious foods in order to help to solve my health problems. Pretty much nothing else about me changed. Doing these two things, for many people, does not lead to the same amount of massive weight loss that I had. I know plenty of people who do these positive things yet remain slightly overweight. Many of them feel like failures, or feel inadquate, simply because they are “fat,” but I never felt that way, and I hope talking about this can inspire those who do to think more positively of themselves. If you are happy with everything in your life, including your health (and no, unless you have weight associated health problems, as I did, being fat itself does not count!), then what will losing 10-20 pounds fix? Nothing.

So instead of a list of things I miss from 110 pounds ago, here is a list of ways I have not changed due to losing weight, some good, some bad:

  • My favorite food is still pizza. To be fair, this used to be followed by ice cream, but is now followed by Greek yogurt.
  • My favorite color is still pink.
  • I still like the same music. In fact, I’m so stuck on my musical tastes that people have been known to get into my car and remark “I haven’t heard this song since high school!” when I put in a CD I have laying around.
  • I’m still mostly happy with my career choices.
  • I still have the same wonderful family and friends.
  • I’m still a dog person.
  • I still cold all the time (just even colder now).
  • Probably due to my cold nature, I still love curling up in multiple blankets with a cup of tea.
  • I still love to talk, loudly and often.
  • I still love to take long walks with my husband, even if I don’t particularly enjoy running with him.
  • I still love how easy it is to take care of my curly hair.
  • I still love the same clothing. It’s just cheaper and easier to find now.
  • Not that much cheaper, though, because I still have expensive taste.
  • I’m still clumsy, though I’m hoping my coordination improves a bit.
  • I still love sewing.
  • I still love baking.
  • I’m still terrified of driving in inclement weather.
  • I still bite my nails (though I’m doing better).
  • I still need coffee to function.
  • My favorite place to drink coffee is still when I visit home, because everyone in my family buys nicer creamer than I do. My parents and my grandparents on my dad’s side always buy fancy flavored ones (sugar free for me) and my grandpa on my mom’s side always buys it from a local dairy.
  • I still have all of the same memories, happy and sad.

I think I’ll take this list as pretty definitive evidence that I’m still the same person.I’m guessing that more people would describe me as loud and clumsy before they would describe me as skinny. I simply cannot believe that in the face of all of these things that seem to matter so much more on a daily basis, that my weight is the one thing that defines who I am.

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